Cornell's unfair advantage (satire)

From SportsPickle (hat tip: Dave Carlsen)...

Cornell's run to the Sweet 16 as a No. 12 seed may be tarnished after reports surfaced today that all 13 players on the roster have been given elite educations that all but guarantee high-paying jobs after they leave the school.

NCAA president James Isch: "It's not fair for players at one school to be given expensive educations while athletes at other member schools receive basic, remedial instruction that is worth essentially nothing."

Big Red players have received an education worth $39,450 per year...Compare that to player at a school like Kentucky, where tuition is set at $4,051 -- but with an actual value far below that....

Kentucky coach John Calipari, whose team must play Cornell in the next round, says the disparity troubles him. "I don't want to say too much until these reports are confirmed," said Calipari. "But we're talking about more than a $150,000 difference in education per player -- and that's even if my players stayed four years or graduated, which many of them do not...."

Cornell point guard Louis Dale, who is reportedly enrolled in the College of Human Ecology, denied allegations that the Big Red program is cheating. "The discourse on this matter is fatuous and inane," he said, only implicating his program further.