the Onion on the latest benefits of red wine

The Onion with a wonderful spoof on academic research, holidays with family, and the seemingly never-ending studies detailing the benefits of red wine...


Health experts have long known that drinking red wine can have such positive benefits as reducing blood vessel damage, lowering the risk of heart attack, and preventing harmful LDL cholesterol from forming. But researchers at the Northwestern University Department of Preventive Medicine have recently found that the consumption of four to six glasses of red wine, most notably at dinner or a family function, may be linked to totally going off on one's mom....

"It seems the benefits of red wine consumption are virtually limitless," said Dr. Susan Zheng, lead researcher on the study. "Many were unable to recall a single time their mother had paid more attention to their sister's soccer games than to their starring role in the school play...."

The positive effects of wine consumption were seen in as little as three hours, with 86 percent of participants showing greater resistance to unsolicited career advice, 77 percent displaying increased mental function in the area of the brain devoted to reminding you why Dad left you in the first place, and 60 percent demonstrating less concern to "play this little happy-happy game anymore."...

"I highly suggest every woman between the ages of 21 and 39 allow a few glasses of wine to be a part of their healthy diet," Dr. Zheng said before pouring herself the remains of an open bottle. "But what do I know. I'm just the lead researcher for an entire team of Northwestern grad students who look to me for the answer because I'm their boss. All my achievements are irrelevant because I never had any kids, right, Mom? Right?"...

"Thus far, we have been unable to determine any negative effects of increased wine consumption," said Dr. Hugh Van Pelt, also with the Northwestern team. "Some women have reported feelings of nausea and headaches the following morning, but they said these feelings were no worse than the nausea and headaches they felt for the days leading up to the dinner, so the results are inconclusive."

The Northwestern team is currently in the process of securing funding to determine what ingredient in bourbon enables one to finally wrestle one's stepfather to the ground.