The Case for Early Marriage (at least for Christians)

The title of Mark Regnerus' piece in CT...

First, a statistic-- and then, into his thesis.

...over 90 percent of American adults experience sexual intercourse before marrying. The percentage of evangelicals who do so is not much lower....I'm certainly not suggesting that they cannot abstain. I'm suggesting that in the domain of sex, most of them don't and won't.

What to do? Intensify the abstinence message even more? No. It won't work....our preoccupation with sex has unwittingly turned our attention away from the damage that Americans—including evangelicals—are doing to the institution of marriage by discouraging it and delaying it.

Then, more statistics:

...the median age at first marriage, which has risen from 21 for women and 23 for men in 1970 to where it stands today: 26 for women and 28 for men, the highest figures since the Census Bureau started collecting data about it....Evangelicals tend to marry slightly earlier than other Americans, but not by much....when people wait until their mid-to-late 20s to marry, it is unreasonable to expect them to refrain from sex [at least in aggregate vs. again, any given individual]. It's battling our Creator's reproductive designs.

...another demographic concern: The ratio of devoutly Christian young women to men is far from even....a shortage of young Christian men....

Back to the problem-- with a painful paragraph to start:

While our sexual ideals have remained biblical and thus rooted in marriage, our ideas about marriage have changed significantly. For all the heated talk and contested referendums about defending marriage against attempts to legally redefine it, the church has already ceded plenty of intellectual ground in its marriage-mindedness. Christian practical ethics about marriage—not the ones expounded on in books, but the ones we actually exhibit—have become a nebulous hodgepodge of pragmatic norms and romantic imperatives, few of which resemble anything biblical.

Unfortunately, many Christians cannot tell the difference. Much about evangelical marital ethics is at bottom therapeutic: since we are pro-family, we are sure that a happy marriage is a central source of human contentment, and that romantic love is the key gauge of its health. While our marriage covenants are strengthened by romance, the latter has no particular loyalty to the former.

Our personal feelings may lead us out of a marriage as quickly as they lead us into one. As a result, many of us think about marriage much like those outside the church—as a capstone that completes the life of the autonomous self. We claim to be better promise keepers, but our vision of what marriage means is not all that unique. When did this all change?

The shift has gone largely unnoticed over the past half-century. As we finally climb toward multigenerational economic success, we advise our children to finish their education, to launch their careers, and to become financially independent...

Even those who successfully married young now find themselves dispensing such parental wisdom with little forethought....

You seem the same thing in people who "worked their way through college" and see it as a very good thing-- but then plan to given their own kids a free ride through college!

Most young Americans no longer think of marriage as a formative institution, but rather as the institution they enter once they think they are fully formed. Increasing numbers of young evangelicals think likewise, and, by integrating these ideas with the timeless imperative to abstain from sex before marriage, we've created a new optimal life formula for our children: Marriage is glorious, and a big deal. But it must wait. And with it, sex. Which is seldom as patient.

On the other hand, Regnerus plays devil's advocate with his own position:

...early marriage is the number one predictor of divorce...[But] what is deemed "early marriage" by researchers is commonly misunderstood....divorce occurs largely among those who marry as teenagers (before age 20)....I still don't think teen marriage is wise.

Second, the age at which a person marries never causes divorce. Rather, a young age-at-marriage is an indicator of an underlying proclivity for marital problems, the kind most Christian couples learn to avoid or solve without parting....

From there, Regnerus points to five risk factors and talks about how to work through them as a couple and with mentoring, and so on:

(1) Economic insecurity

(2) Immaturity...naïveté may actually benefit youth, since preferences and habits ingrained over years of single life often are not set aside easily....they need, of course, the frank guidance of parents, mentors, and Christian couples.

(3) A Poor Match: Marrying early can mean a short search process, which elevates the odds of a poorer match....[but] successful marriages are less about the right personalities than about the right practices...pastors, premarital counselors, and Christian friends must be free to speak frankly into the lives of those seeking their counsel about marriage....

(4) Marrying for Sex...the promise of long-awaited, guilt-free sex. After all, Paul told us that it's better to marry than to burn with passion (1 Cor. 7). And modern America certainly bears a striking resemblance to Corinth...

(5) Unrealistic expectations...Marriage is a remarkable institution in many ways, but it cannot bear all of the unrealistic expectations that we moderns have heaped upon it....

So enough of the honeymoon banter: insiders know that a good marriage is hard work, and that its challenges often begin immediately. The abstinence industry perpetuates a blissful myth; too much is made of the explosively rewarding marital sex life awaiting abstainers. The fact is that God makes no promises of great sex to those who wait....too much idealism and too little realism. Weddings may be beautiful, but marriages become beautiful....while sex matters, marriage matters more....

Yes and no on this last point. Realism, count the costs, etc.? Yes! But living life God's way-- including abstinence generally leads to a healthy body, mind, and soul as well as better self-selected circumstances.